Monday, January 26, 2015

I, Frankenstein

I got a chance to watch I, Frankenstein this Saturday, and I was only a year late!  I'd heard some bad things about it - nothing specific, just that it was lackluster, not a true horror, so on so forth.  I thought I'd take to the internets to share some thoughts, because why the fuck not?

Mostly my thoughts turned toward things I'd rather be watching.  These include:

I have my reasons.

Right off the bat, the film established itself as a "what-happens-next" story.  We're given the briefest of refreshers on the novel, and are then immediately launched into WTF territory.  The Gargoyle Order is introduced as generally shitty creatures, pretty much cementing my theory that all representatives of the Heavenly Host are just terrible.  Shame on you, God.

Which isn't to say the demons are any better.  I think my biggest beef with demons in this context is that I don't really understand why.  Why do they want to live like humans in order to destroy humans so that they can...make earth just like Hell?  Or something?  Is it a crowding issue?  Is Earth like the suburbs, and they're just looking to get away from the urban sprawl?  In any event, saving the Demon Horde from being completely stupid is BILL FREAKING NIGHY!

I have to admit to a gross bias in favor of Bill Nighy.  Frankly, he could do a reboot of Hannah Montana, playing the role of Miley, and I'd still watch that shit.  

Why would you do this to something you love?

I guess I should give the film credit for not dumping a pointless love interest in our laps, you know, until the last minute.  The effects were not terrible, and I suppose my official verdict is that I've seen worse.  It wasn't a bad idea, it was just not executed to its fullest potential.  Actually, it would have been a bitchin' idea had the weird, vague theology been left out altogether.  If you're going to have a Heaven vs. Hell engine driving your vehicle, it better be a fucking monster truck on steroids.  Not a fucking Nissan Leaf.

Do you know how shitty it is that I had to make this?  You've let me down again, Internet.

What I'm trying to say is that I'd watch it again.  On Cable.  If nothing else was on, and I wasn't in the mood to masturbate.  I'll save my Clearanced-WalMart-DVDs funds for something else.

Insert Ted Danson joke I didn't have time to think up.


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