Monday, January 12, 2015


First off, just so you know, this is in no way sponsored by Nutrisystem.  Frankly, I don't have the readership for major companies to give a flying fuck what I think of their products.  That, of course, has never stopped me from telling people what I think of things.

As I was thumbing through the weekly Walmart ad, I noticed that Nutrisystem offered a product called Jump Start.  I'd considered using meal delivery programs before, but I'm broke all the time.  The system offered at Walmart ran about $45, and I figured that's what I buy in groceries, per person, per week.  I mentioned it to MLM(IL) and The Fixer, who both agreed to try it out with me.  MLM(IL) went with the Nutrisystem D version.  I was pretty excited because, if nothing else, I was off the hook for cooking for a while.

First thing:  you still have to buy groceries.  You're expected to buy yogurt and vegetables, string cheese, fruit, and nuts.  This is on top of the fact that weekends are free-days, so you still have to grocery shop for those days.  So right out the gate, one could easily double their grocery bill by using this plan.  So far this is going awesome.

Next is the portion sizes.  This neither surprised or bothered me.  No fucking duh, your meals are going to be dramatically scaled down.  If you're like me, and you're guilty of eating pasta as if you've been impregnated by a particularly virile and hairy Italian, then what passes for a serving of lasagna are small enough to make a weaker woman weep.  MLM(IL), on the other hand, is ready to gnaw her own leg off.  And this is with her (I suspect) cheating while she's out of the house.  She's very popular at work, and her patients show their love and appreciation with donuts.  The Fixer is also hungrier than he'd like, but he's doing surprisingly well.  I have, however, had to promise to make a big batch of cheese mashed potatoes this weekend.

Probably the biggest issue we've had so far is gout.  Not flair-ups, but triggers.  I've had to do some swapping among the meals to make them Fixer-friendly.  One of the lunches is a "loaded baked potato," which in reality is instant mash.  That's fine.  I haven't actually eaten one of these, I traded them for the tuna pouch lunch that comes in the D system.  More on that in a moment.  The potatoes, I'm told, are tasty.  The Fixer didn't realize til too late that there was bacon pieces in them.  I imagine there is also something like butter, sour cream, and cheese.  MLM(IL) also enjoyed them.  I ended up with the tuna because she claimed that it sounded gross, or that it wasn't enough, or...actually, I don't know what her beef was with it.  She just didn't want it.  That worked in my favor, since it turned out to be surprisingly tasty.

I also had to swap for a trail mix bar lunch in his pack.  Cashews.  Fucking A, can this man eat nothing?  I traded him a chewy caramel chocolate thingy, which was also fine because even though I like caramel and chocolate, that just sounded gross.  I also had to take one of his dinners, a pasta dish that at first seemed safe - turkey sausage in some sort of cream sauce - until I realized it ALSO had bacon.  WTF.  Why the fuck does there need to be bacon in everything?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I super dig bacon.  Just, you know, not in every goddamn thing!  I appreciate that Nutrisystem understands that their food is kind of gross, and diets suck, and that when you're starving all you want is bacon. 

I guess I shouldn't blame Nutrisystem.  Bacon has been so damn trendy lately.

I blame him, somehow.
I don't know if it was defeating the purpose, but everything was so damn bland, and I resorted to salting the living fuck out of everything.  But there was nothing that wouldn't involve a full-scale black mass, and possibly a blood sacrifice to Satan, to save those fake Oreos.  Oh.  My.  God.  So nasty.  I'm literally dreading the day I'll have to eat those fuckers again.

Which will probably be Friday.  Because, Sweet Baby Extreme Sports Jesus, it worked.  Each plan promises varying potential losses.  I think Fast 5 is something like 5 lbs per week, or two weeks, or whatever.  Jump Start promised up to 5 pounds in 2 weeks.  I've lost 9 in one.  The Fixer lost 12.  I don't know about MLM(IL) because she somehow managed to avoid weighing herself.  Or, she did it when we weren't looking, and just didn't share.  Either way, she wanted to keep at it.  The Fixer has adapted in such a way that when we had our "cheat day," well, let's just say there was a violent reaction.

So, here we are, headed into week two.  If I feel like it, I'll blog about this topic again, but not week by week.  That's boring as fuck.  And I have more interesting things I want to ramble on about.  Sorry this post wasn't more...not about dieting.  I mean, really.

1 comment:

  1. Nutrisystem, headquartered in Fort Washington, Pennsylvania, is a commercial provider of weight loss products and services. Initially, the company offered weight loss counseling and products in brick and mortar centers. In 1999, the company moved to a direct-to-consumer business model, selling its products and programs on the Internet and through a call center via 1-800 numbers. Nutrisystem’s programs have been sold on the QVC television home shopping network since 2001[1] and in Costco stores since 2009.[2] The company entered the retail arena in 2012 with the launch of its "Everyday" line of breakfast and snack items in Kroger grocery stores.[3] In 2013, Nutrisystem began selling its five-day "Jumpstart" line in Walmart stores.[4] In April 2015, the company's "NuMi" mobile app was launched amidst allegations that Nutrisystem had stolen the technology from WebDiet, Inc., a Silicon Valley startup