Friday, February 27, 2015

I know I made big, grand promises about content, but I've failed to follow through.

On February 14, we made a tough decision to end one of our cat's suffering.  I hadn't realized how bad Grrbles's condition was, because she'd been MLM(IL)'s cat for nearly 15 years.  So Valentine's Day was super shitty.  But nowhere as shitty as the next day.

Our front door doesn't always catch when you close it, unless you make a point of pulling very hard.  We'd left the house in a hurry on Sunday, with many bullshit errands to run, so the door must not have caught.  Whether the door fell open later, or it was pushed open, we will never know.  I am sure that the neighbor's dog came into the house, looking for our other cat Bob.  I know she's pretty...enthusiastic...about other animals.  What I don't know is why she became so aggressive and completely destroyed the cage my pet rabbit lives in.  I'm fairly certain that had he just hunkered down in a corner he'd have survived, but he bolted.  I don't know if the dog was trying to play with Chocobunny, or if she wanted to kill him, but she did.  We came home to find her in the driveway, still playing with his dead body.

Naturally, I flipped the fuck out.  I won't get into too many details, but just for a general idea, the house was a disaster.  Whatever happened had been gory and violent, and Bob had gotten in the fray in an attempt to defend Choco.  We found new things to clean for a couple of days.  Luckily, Stinkbug is oblivious (the bliss of being a baby) and The Fixer fixed most of the mess while I sat on the couch, holding my rabbit and having a fit.

The house is weirdly quiet without Choco scratching at everything, without Grrbles complaining about everything.  It's empty without that giant house-shaped cage sitting right next to my bedroom.  It's oddly barren, as I dispose of all the grey puffs of fur that Grrbles had a habit of leaving everywhere.  I find them in the weirdest spots.

Bob isn't the same.  He doesn't play the way he used to, he's scared shitless of the dog.  He lingers where Choco's house used to sit.  The more I clean, the more the scents of other animals disappear for him.


I still have Anabelle to watch, and I picked up Penny Dreadful Season One and The Grand Budapest Hotel.  MLM(IL) added The Theory Of Everything to our collection as well.  So, that stuff is still happening.  Just not when I thought it would.  We should have a Horror Block arriving this weekend too, so keep an eye out for the video (assuming I can control myself), if you're into unboxing videos.  I also plan to get a little ridiculous about Monster High, because I'm 10.

Thanks for sticking it out, all six of you who read this thing!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Dracula Untold

It occurs to me that a written opinion piece about a film isn't the most...fashionable?...way to go.  I would consider doing this via YouTube, but I just lack the kind of presence to make that work.  I can talk a mile of shit, but the minute I know someone is looking at me, I tend to lose steam.  Plus I only really know how to express myself through snarkily captioned pictures, culled from the internet.

MLM(IL) was kind enough to pick up Dracula Untold on Saturday, so we watched it that evening.  It's intended as the beginning of a series of reboots for the classic Universal Studios Monsters, re-imaging them, not as horror icons, but as dark anti-heros.  I just...I don't know.  I really don't.  The very thought of this re-branding makes me get all, I don't know, internet-fan-boy.  You know, the folks that rail and rant about reboots of their childhood favorites.  Not quite "Those fat whores are ruining Ghostbusters!" (which is a thing), but definitely not pleased.  Biased even.  So we popped in the DVD, and I told myself to just repeat "This isn't Dracula.".

Which is fair.  It's not remotely like the novel by Bram Stoker.  It kind of took up the fact that Stoker borrowed a name from Transylvanian history, and incorporated a bit of historical fact with a modern vampire-turned-romatic hero fiction.  This isn't exactly new territory, as Bram Stoker's Dracula did the same thing, to great effect (despite Keanu Reeves and Wynona Ryder).  I think I've mentioned it somewhere before, but I really dig that film.  It never gets old for me.  So, right off the bat I'm given a very easy out for my discomfort.  This is NOT Dracula.  They just happen to share a name.

This Rachel is not a Werewolf Mommy.

I'll be honest when I say that I'm not as familiar with the historical Dracula, or Vlad The Impaler, as I ought to be.  As much time as I spent in high school learning as much vampire folklore as my tiny, blackened heart could retain, I just didn't glean a lot of that part of history.

You just don't understand the beauty of blood and pain, MOM!!!!

I do have vague recollections of a TV movie about the historical Vlad.  It was riding on the popularity of Vampirism, hoping to capitalize on the new-born mainstream popularity of the hero-vampire.  So, except for some very basic knowledge, I was walking into Dracula Untold blind.  This worked in my favor.

I'm not going to get into the plot too much, except to say it wasn't that bad.  Just keep telling yourself "It's not that Dracula," and you'll be ok.  Basically, blah blah blah, enemy army, blah blah blah, have to save my family, blah blah blah, save, wait.

He's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

It had some good special effects, and it had some really terrible ones.  The ending was baffling.  I know it's meant to be the start of a new franchise, but it seriously made me want to punch a baby.

I don't know how great an endorsement "Not as bad as I expected" is, but it's the best one I can offer.  Don't buy it, unless you like horror-turned action and haven't placed the classic Dracula, in any of his many incarnations, on a pedestal.  But don't not at least rent it or borrow it or whatever.  It's not that bad.  It's almost good.

Just kidding.  I am Batman.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Horror Block January 2015

I got a Horror Block back in December, and as some may remember with October...I make lofty promises about unboxing videos that I don't deliver on.  Well, I come bearing video for January.  And photos of December, so bonus!

My Block ran late because of horrific weather in the midwest, so I got it about two weeks late.  That's at least a week after most people had made their videos.  I made one anyway.  For you.  For love.

For anyone who doesn't use subscription boxes of any sort, basically you pay whatever amount your box charges and get a surprise goody box full of mystery neatness.  Because of my fairly specific interests, I get Horror Block, brought to you by the sexy Canadian folks that are responsible for Nerd Block.  To illustrate how excited I get over each shipment, I've never been able to film an unboxing.  This remains true, because I'd opened my block before filming, and sorted through my goodies.  Hell, as per usual, I'd even watched a couple of unboxings.  It's hard to avoid when the weather gods cause your block to be so damn late!

Fuck you pretty boy.

The following are just some photos from December's Block, just so that anyone who might be leaning toward purchasing this amazingness can get an idea of what a box might hold.  I'm not even really going to caption, but prepare to covet.

When you squeeze him, his eyes pop out.  Filled with maggots!

That would be a Poltergeist mouse pad.

A The Shining t-shirt that I got to keep, because The Fixer got to keep the last one.

Rue Morgue Magazine

Ok, now for January!

That's it for now.  I watched Dracula Untold this weekend, so I'll be thinking out loud, or in print, or whatever, shortly about that.  *Spoiler* It wasn't as bad as I was expecting.  Coming up as well will be Annabelle and Penny Dreadful, and why Fry's is better than Best Buy.