Thursday, November 16, 2017

Witchin' in the Kitchen! Magick and Macabre

Almost as soon as I hit "publish" on my last post Magick and Macabre's Wicked Witch Subscription box showed up on my doorstep.  I always sort of hate people who jump to post unboxing videos because, depending on where you live, there may be a lag in delivery time.  And spoilers are almost always a bummer.  So I waited until I was certain that those who ordered this box had it in their witchy little mitts because I don't really write this for the "initiated," if you will, but for those who might be on the fence about ordering certain boxes or for those who are just interested in new stuff that they might not have heard of.

Last month was their Samhain themed box, which was mostly worthwhile for the mini cauldron, but honestly I wasn't super stoked about most of the rest.  I felt like it fell somewhere between for those who are really just beginning in any sort of witchcraft and is super pumped to do any and every spell, and for those who who just like to dabble.  Because I'm neither a neither of those, nor am I a ritual Pagan, or even someone who has a dedicated altar, this box just didn't hit the bullseye dead on.  But the minute you whisper the words "Kitchen Witch" I'm almost certainly sold.  I'm not a girl who frequently feels the need to pull out all the stops and go whole hog in magic, but I am a girl who has a few tricks up her sleeve when I'm in the kitchen, garden, or bathtub.  Are there cups of vinegar in my freezer...for reasons?  Maybe.

I am a sucker for Halloween and witchy-themed pot holders, and this fits the bill perfectly!  I love when folks have the good sense to save Halloween stuff to give me later in the off season, and while I know that it wasn't picked specifically for me, it felt like it was.  When I got my own home for my son and I, and later Bob and LeeLee, one of the first things I picked up to sort of make the place my own was a little sign that says "Home of The Wicked Witch and Her Little Monsters."  This would wind up being my favorite thing in the box because it felt...special.  It brought back good memories.

Another item that hit home perfectly was Magick and Macabre's La Befana wax melts.  I like my house to stink pretty, and I especially love the scent of baked goods, so (insert heart eye emojis here)!  Technically La Befana is a Yule character, but if ever there was a witch who got up to shenanigans in the kitchen I'm sure it's her.  Plus I'm not super familiar with Italian traditions concerning holidays or the belief in witches and witchcraft, except for maybe vaguely in passing (I knew there was a Christmas witch, I just didn't know anything about her), so it gave me something to learn about.  We're not Italian, but I'm seriously considering introducing the idea of a Christmas Witch to Stinkbug.

Pentacle Ritual Spoon

This was very impressive?  I'm unsure of what kind of wood it's made of, and in retrospect I wish I'd emailed  them to find out for this.  I still will, but whether I remember to update is totally a mystery. As I mentioned, I'm not a dedicated altar kinda kid, but I'd seriously consider trying to set one up with this little guy and last month's mini cauldron.  While the post holder was my favorite thing, this was definitely the coolest.  Almost too cool for me.  I'm not cool.

You can't sit with us.

Under the spoon you may have noticed a little hand drawn card.  It's a mini-zine with tea recipes!  I'm a tea whore and I love recipes, so I'm into it.  This neat little goody is meant to correspond with:

Love Tea Kit

 An organic blend of teas crafted by the owner of Magick and Macabre, Bee.  It came in a pretty basic tin, which I appreciate because utility trumps aesthetics any day for me, a tea sachet and a chunk of rose quartz.  Will I use it magically or will I just drink it?  Probably just drink it, unless someone suddenly needs some extra love.  I always seem to have what people need just laying around. 
Co-worker needs a smudge stick?  I have 20.  Certain crystals?  I probably have you covered.  I'm the mom-est of witches.  You want some soup?  I've got some cooking right now.

Kitchen Witch Pentacle Necklace

 I'm not sure what makes this a "Kitchen Witch" pentacle specifically, unless it's the ginger, but I rarely look cute jewelry that suits my style in the mouth.  I don't have a lot to say about it; it's intentions to bring about good health, personal strength, and general positive energy can't really be empirically tested.  I've been having fewer crap days, which doesn't necessarily correlate with wearing a new pentacle necklace.  Whatever.  C is for cookie and that's good enough for me.

More Black Salt

I'd gotten black salt in a Witchbaby Spell box a few months back, but that had been ritually treated sea salt that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES can be consumed.  This is fancy salt.  Fancy eatin' salt.  That I can still get up to stuff with.  Get you some salt that can do both girl!  I plan on tasting and testing it as just plain food first, and then I may sit on it (not literally) for a while as I decide what I'm going to do with it. 

As I've mentioned, almost all boxes are very hit or miss with me, and I've bought M&M boxes in the past and said "This isn't for me." But then they have a theme that lures me in.  Honestly, I probably wouldn't have gotten November's box if it weren't "Kitchen Witch."  Unless, of course, she figured out some other way to lure me in.  This box was from start to finish one of the best boxes I've ever gotten.  It's rare that I get to say this but it's almost as if it were curated just for me.  I'm severely tempted to get the Horned God box for December, but it will very much depend on my finances here in the next couple of weeks.  After all, 'tis the season to go into crippling holiday debt!  And I have several nieces and nephews.  And a Stinkbug.

*I should note, if I haven't in the past, that I'm never paid for my opinions on any product I write about.  Everything is paid for out of my own pocket and I only buy what I'm interested in.  MY LOVE CAN NOT BE BOUGHT!!! (maybe)

Thursday, November 9, 2017

I'm Only Two Weeks Late With This...

Today we'll be exploring October's Creeper Crate!  We were warned in advance that this crate might be a fairly late, like November late, due to a supplier shipment being delayed, but holy hell!  Jamie managed to get everything assembled and on my doorstep by October 30!  I'm just a lazy bastard who waits until it's almost time for the next crate to post about it.

Now, in my defense, I have been having a rough couple of months.  I'd started a new full time job, which I super liked, but my son wasn't digging it as much.  He'd began to have severe behavior problems, which were manifesting themselves as outright violent outbursts.  The fact that I was out the door long before he woke up and frequently was coming through the door after he'd been home for a while was taking it's toll, not to mention that I seem to have developed new and fun symptoms with a few health problems I'd long had, so I was often down for the count the minute I got home.  I've been mostly home for a week now and he's gotten to spend two whole weekdays with me, and the difference is already noticeable.

Moving on...

I didn't get a chance to take individual pictures of much in this crate because...I just didn't.  This particular crate felt a little slimmer than usual, which may be because of the haste to get it out in time, but slim or not it's still pretty solid.

Starting with the most obvious item is a Funko Reaction Sam.  Everything in this crate was Sam-centric, which was kind of a neat shift.  So far themes have been a little broader, allowing for a variety of items and characters.  This is probably the first box or crate from anyone that focused on one film, let alone one character.  Some might find this boring but, in my book, if you have to go with a single character Sam is a pretty cool one to go with.

I could be all like "But I already have that Reaction figure!" but I kind of don't care.  I don't have a Sam figure that's not packed away in storage, so I win.  Plus, since these aren't super rare, and I'm not expecting them to leap in value anytime soon, I can give it to my son.  He loves creepy things, it's the exact size he likes his action figures to be, and I'm an awesome mom like that.  I will, however, be keeping the mini lollipop because I'm also a mom who's aware of choking hazards.  So really, when you think about it, there was an extra prize for my kid in October's crate.  Thanks!

Next up are some Sam socks.  I wasn't 100% sure at first, but deduced from the free-floating Butchovision sticker that they came from that website.  These are some weird, heal-less socks that are extra thick which makes me think they'd be cozy, but alas!  My legs are too fat!  Fat legs are the #1 cause of not being able to wear cute-as-fuck knee socks in the world.  You could argue that I could just try to make my legs less fat, but I really can't!  Underneath the layer of fat is a ridiculous layer of muscle because of how much I walk, the fact that I live up a steep flight of stairs, and the fact that I am employed as a lifter of many many heavy boxes.  Many heavy boxes.  What I lack in upper body strength I make up for in my ability to crush a man's scull with my thighs.  File that mental image away for later fellas!

The next items are some wax melts from Terror Tarts!  Now, when I say "some wax melts" what I mean is "HOLY HELL, THESE SMELL SO GOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!"  The last time I'd gotten Terror Tarts in a box were Jason Voorhees hockey mask shaped ones that smelled amazing, and these Sam ones do no disappoint.  If you're against your house smelling delicious, just skip on ahead, otherwise you should probably consider checking them out. 

In my ongoing collection/hoarding habit of soaps I can now add "Samhain" from Dearg Due Bath and Body.  I couldn't find a site to link, and what I am assuming is their Instagram account says "coming soon," so I hope they're still active because YAY SOAP! I haven't tried it yet, because I'm still tits deep in soaps from everyone else, but it's definitely going into rotation soon. 

The final item was a necklace from Sparkle Monster

I'm not going to lie, I wasn't too into this one.  I usually know someone I can re-gift things I'm not so wild about to, but I just don't know many women that are as jazzed about Trick 'r Treat as I am.  It's rare for there to be such a huge miss for me and Creeper Crate, and I was a little bummed until...wait for it!...I realized I could totally re-purpose it as a Christmas tree ornament!

What!?  So, with the exception of my fat legs, this was a great box!  I've got Magick Macabre's "Kitchen Witch" coming this month, as well as my November Creeper Crate.  I'll try to be a little more timely with my posts.  Assuming my four year old hasn't burned down a church between now and then.

Actual photo of my child.

Monday, October 16, 2017

I'm Baaaaack!

It's been a hot minute, or two years worth of them at least.  While I've been gone Nerd Block, and subsequently Horror Block, has gone belly up.  I've gotten a new job, Stinkbug can finally talk, and my house is packed with more junk than ever before.

I've subscribed to different boxes since then, some only one-off purchases while others are more long term commitments.  I've been meaning to review some of these, but I've been insanely busy with work and household garbage. I always feel like I should be doing videos because that's what everyone does - it's all the rage you know - but I just never got the hang of doing videos, I don't particularly like doing them, and I just plain like writing better.  Sue me.

Please don't.

I recently got boxes from Glamour Ghoul and Magick & Macabre.  I didn't get a chance to photograph everything in both boxes, but I'll  share what I can.

First up, Glamour Ghoul!

I'd never gotten a box from this company before, and I only really got excited about this one because its theme was Box of the Living Dead.  The thing about these types of boxes is that it's hit or miss that I'll like everything, or anything, in them.  It's been a solid truth for all boxes, but it's especially true of boxes specifically geared toward female or femme horror fans.  They rely heavily on jewelry and cosmetics, and I'm pickier than most about both.  I don't wear a lot of make up, and I have a standing no-jewelry rule when it comes to receiving gifts from a significant other.  Because of this, Glamour Ghoul was a personal miss for me. 

Living Dead Girl Body Scrub

First up, from Ginger Voodoo is Living Dead Girl Body Scrub.  I'd never been a fan of body scrubs until I'd gotten one from a Spell Box from Witch Baby Soaps, and even though I haven't tried this one yet I'm going to say this was a hit because it smells like strawberries and cream candy.  Inside was a little skeleton charm, which was a neat bonus.

"They're coming for you Barbara!"

Next up was a bit of a miss from Murderous Jewels.  I haven't had a chance to check out her full collection, but I reason I'd easily find something I'd be into based on the fact that I like the style of the bracelet.  Just not the charm.  I'm not that big a fan of the zombie genre as a whole, and had hoped for a more Romero-film themed box.  For that I'd have been better advised to seek out a more traditional horror themed mystery box, so I knew going in that there was bound to be some things I just didn't dig as much as others.  On the bright side, as I mentioned, I like the style of the bracelet so switching out the charm won't be that big of a deal.  Plus, whenever I get things that I'm just not feeling that much I know at least one friend will actually super love it.  I already have a friend in mind for the charm, so hooray for random gift in the middle of October for her!

Living Dead Notebook

From The Risky Rabbit comes the Living Dead Notebook.  It's a little field notebook, and little field notebooks are one of my favorite things.  I have about a million of them.  I use every freaking one.  I'm a compulsive list maker and I appreciate anyone who feeds my obsession, intentionally or otherwise.  Not pictured is the back, with The Risky Rabbit's logo and a memorial plate in honor of George A. Romero.  A+++

Zombie Soap

From a company called The Painted Cat comes BRAAAAAIIIINSSSSS!  I'd have linked this one, but unfortunately contact info wasn't included.  The official name is "Night of the Purring Dead" and it's alleged to be raspberry/vanilla scented.  I don't know, because I haven't opened it.  But it's cute as eff, so this one is a winner so far.  Short of causing a hideous rash, soap will always be a hit in my book.  Probably one of my field books that I keep full of ridiculous lists.


Next up, a zombie cookie cutter from 3D Dreaming. I don't bake, or at least not often.  But don't let that fool you, because I have ONE BILLION COOKIE CUTTERS!!!  I have no idea why.


Finally, from Rebel Rouge Labs comes Zombie Liquid Illuminator.  My spell check would like me to know that "illuminator" is not a a word.  I can only assume that my spell check doesn't know anything about makeup or cosmetics in general. 

I feel ya' Spell Check.  At first I thought this was going to be a scented body oil, but couldn't detect a scent.  So I put a little on my skin to see if my body heat would get things going.  Holy schnitzel, that stuff is sparkly and shiny!  No me gusta! This product, while very very pretty, functions on the assumption that I plan to have enough skin exposed to make it worth using.  That's just not happening!  We're finally creeping closer and closer to sweater weather, and I have been waiting all freaking summer for it.  I'm a bitch that wishes that hijabs weren't religious-wear because DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!!

My sister will love it, because she is a sparkly fairy princess.

Now for Magick & Macabre:

More Soap!
This is Paranormal Pumpkin Soap from Magick & Macabre.  I like that this box comes with a little more info about the products in it, and according to the little card this soap is made by paranormal investigators who use it for both physical and spiritual cleansing after investigations.  Neato.  I can't attest to it's psychic sudsy goodness, but I can say that it smells pretty interesting.  Not at all like other pumpkin scented products, which smell distinctly sweet and sometimes cloying.  This is much more herbal.  Time will tell how in love with this I am, but so far it's not bad at all.

It's a rock y'all!

Tourmaline to be precise.  There's really not a lot to say about this except that I didn't already own a piece.  So, now I do. 

 'Bout to get witchy up in here! 

The Jack O' Lantern Open Veil Protection Spell includes an instruction sheet, an undetermined blend of anointing oil, and a tea light candle.  The actual witchcraft components of the Wicked Witch Sub Box is usually of the 101 variety, which isn't surprising.  I'd be a little appalled if she included instructions for anything complicated or for high rituals.  That's just nutter butters.  Will I use it as instructed.  Lulz, no.  I never do anything as instructed unless someone is paying me.  I do what I want, which is probably why I'm frequently in trouble both socially and legally.  In my defense, I never do anything bad enough to have to resort to witchcraft to get myself out of it.  So far.  I'm relatively young.

You promised not to sue me.

More witchy stuff ahead!

Next up is a Black Stone Scrying Bowl.  This alone made the whole box worthwhile.  I could scry, I could use it as a tiny cauldron.  I could dump stuff in it and forget I have it.  Door number three seems the likeliest fate for this little guy.  Funny that I say guy, since cauldrons are meant to represent the feminine. I call my mom Dude.  What are you going to do?

Please stop Googling lawyers.

What I didn't take pictures of were the little skull charm that was tied to the bag that contained the Samhain spell and a skeleton key necklace.  I assure you, they are both quite pretty and I am wearing them together on the same chain. 

Also not pictured is a bundle of black sage/mugwort.  I now own so much freaking sage I could cleanse all of Kent Ohio.  Black sage is used more for outright spirit communication than white sage, but they can be used similarly.  That's one of the pitfalls of ordering so many boxes this close to Halloween.  My kitchen smells weird.  My cats are going insane.

I don't typically get Magick & Macabre boxes, I've only gotten one or two before.  Honestly, I don't find them particularly useful, but they are fun.  And then, months and months later, I suddenly find a use for something in the box.  So I may not need all of that sage right now, but the new year is coming and I may decide to open a new business.  Something along the lines of paranormal defense.  I'm considering calling it Ghostbusters.

What do you mean that name's already in use?  And what does "copyright infringement" mean?

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Never Sleep Again

Recently the world found out that we'd lost a horror legend. Wes Craven had had a hand in an absolutely ridiculous number of iconic films, helping to shape the industry. Like a lot of people, especially in my age group, his most memorable films were the Elm Street franchise. While I know for sure that I'd seen Last House On The Left first, A Nightmare On Elm Street form a solid chunk of my earliest memories. So, in honor of Wes Craven, I'm going to tell a really horrific story. It's a true one, and now seems as good a time as any to traumatize anyone stupid enough to read this.

I'd mentioned before that my stepfather had worked for the junk yard that had been used in one of the Elm Street films, and had met both Wes and Robert Englund on separate occasions . I've mentioned that he was fond of smacking my mom around as well. What I hadn't gotten into is what a fucking monster he was. In addition to being a drunk and generally a piece of shit, he was a pedophile and rapist as well. When my mom married him she was young and kind of stupid, and never imagined that he wasn't just marrying her to have a young attractive wife. He'd seen in a young unwed mother, strapped for cash, access to his favorite kind of sex "partner" - the kind that was too small and too weak to fight. I was two years old.

While A Nightmare On Elm Street wasn't the first horror film I'd ever seen, it's the one that has stayed in sharp detail, fresh in my mind nearly 30 years later. It was certainly a terrifying movie, especially for such a young child, but it was especially horrifying for a kid that was living in a household that was horrifying in itself. The fact that Freddy Krueger was a child molester was glossed over, but a fact that I quickly picked up on. His method of killing has been likened to rape, and the parallel was obvious to me right away. The fact that the parents in his community took vengeance into their own hands, only to inadvertently create an even greater monster, confirmed in my mind that no one would ever help me. No one could save us.

In a child's way, I drew comparisons between the Freddy Krueger character and my very real stepfather. I'm not sure if I imagined the resemblance, but I saw a physical one to match the emotional one.

To this day I still have nightmares about Freddy Krueger. They're almost always intertwined with nightmares about my stepfather. Wes Craven created one of the most iconic fiction characters, not just in horror, but ever. He didn't mean to make a film about my worst nightmares, not mine specifically, but he did and not in a way that causes me to hate the films or him. I love Elm Street. I often wonder if other childhood abuse survivors have watched them with the same mindset as me. I've never seen anything, an article or an interview, from that perspective. I've wondered if I'd ever have the chance to meet Wes Craven, if I'd tell him about my stepfather. Would he have been polite about it, would he have been struck by how close to home he'd hit with some of his fans? I'll never know. I wonder what he'd say or think to know he'd met a real-life Freddy Krueger, someone's flesh-and-blood nightmare.

This was pretty short, but it was also pretty straight forward. I wanted to put this out there, in case anyone ever wondered if someone else had watched A Nightmare On Elm Street through the same filter.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Nerd Block Vinyl Palooza!

I made a video.  I swear I did.  But the quality was such garbage that I had to junk it, and it seemed disingenuous to stage another unboxing.  So here's a written rundown of what was in the box:

With pictures!

I was having a pretty crap day at work today.  The tasks were what they always are, but there are a couple of people who make me want to punch a baby, and I was stuck dealing with them all day.  When I got home I discovered a delightful surprise on my kitchen table!

Like I said, I made a video.  What you'll miss is Stinkbug climbing into my lap to steal, right out of the gate, a Titans Vinyl Ecto 1.  I went ahead and opened it, for a better look, and in a flash it was gone. He's since fallen asleep, and I've reclaimed it.  I didn't hesitate to open it because I fully intend on keeping it. 

This was the highlight of the box, for me at any rate.  There were a really good figures in here, but none from franchises that I collect, or I do but didn't feel the figure fit with my current collection.  For example:

The 10th Doctor, Doctor Who, Nerd Block Exclusive Titans Vinyl

I love Doctor Who.  If I fish around, I have a small handful of Doctor Who items.  Figures aren't included; I'd had a Doctor Whooves Funko Pop at one point, but was so un-attached to it that I gave it away to my niece.  I think if I ever did add figures to my collection they'd be action figures.  It's an aesthetic choice.  I know that these guys are pretty popular, I was somewhat tempted to keep it, but in the end I've decided to sell him.  It's like when you find a kitten in the rain, and you take it home and nurse it back to health, but you know you can't keep it.  I'm rather fond of #10, but I can't see this on my shelves.  He deserves a collector who will love him for what he is, much like the Doctor himself.


Next up:

Saul Goodman, Breaking Bad, Nerd Block Exclusive Titan's Vinyl

I used to watch a fair amount of Breaking Bad, but then I didn't have cable and I sort of lost the thread.  It's on Netflix, and I have every intention of catching up...eventually.  I literally have no desire to collect figures from this franchise, or at least I didn't until I saw this:

Bad ass.

But Saul doesn't equal Blue Crystal Heisenberg, now does it?  And, honestly, I'll probably never pick this guy up either.  He's a SDCC 2015 exclusive, so he's more expensive than your run of the mill POP!, and I'd have to pay flippers' prices - which is to be expected - and then run the risk of catching the extra shade being thrown at collectors who don't or can't make it to events, or spend all day in line at Hot Topic or wherever, to get first crack at a chase or exclusive.  There seems to be a subsection of the POP! community who feel that you're not devoted enough, or serious, or whatever if you don't abandon everything else in your life to stand around the mall waiting to buy a doll.  A doll, I said it.  We collect toys, people!  It's not a cult.  No one has told us to put on a track suit and drink the Kool Aid.

I was absolutely going to put up a crime scene photo from the Heaven's Gate mass suicide, but even I have limits.  Not really, I'm just lazy.

The point is, Saul's got to go.  Sorry Saul.

Finally we have:

Assassin's Creed III, Connor, Funko POP!

Assassin's Creed is a franchise that I've never played but am extremely familiar with.  I used to subscribe to Game Informer, and Assassin's Creed has always gotten a lot of coverage.  I think that if I had more time and money I'd be really into these games, but for the time being I can't know that for sure. 

Much like The Tenth Doctor, I can't keep him.  He's pretty cool looking, but I'm just not well enough acquainted with the games to warrant keeping him.  If someday I finally get a chance to marathon all the games I'll probably regret this decision, but that's a terrible reason to keep stuff.  That's crazy hoarder mentality right there, and I actively fight the urge to keep every stupid thing that crosses my path.  I already walk a fine line with what I do collect.

So, in conclusion, the Vinyl Palooza box was pretty much a bust for me.  I knew I was taking a gamble, because of how extremely picky I am about what I keep.  I'm hoping to trade Connor for a Universal Studios Monsters POP!

Minus The Wolf Man - I already have him.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Where I Try To Write A Blog Post While Catching Up On YouTube Videos

I'm literally skipping back and forth between this and an incredibly ridiculous backlog of YouTube videos that I've not had time to watch.  I usually rely on Facebook to let me know when Anthony J. Rapino or Buzzfeed or whatever puts up a new video, but since I've fled I haven't really remembered to watch videos of any variety.

Belinda videos are always the exception.

Did you know I pay for Netflix but haven't actually watched it in two months.  Ridic. Part of the problem is that I hate watching stuff on my laptop.  I have the world's shittiest Acer, which is only two months old and, already, the mouse has completely crapped out.  It's taken me nearly half an hour to write this little, and the fact that Rapino has posted an unusually high number of videos with his hair down has almost nothing to do with that.

But Netflix and YouTube aren't the only victims of my shitty computer.  I got an invite to be a Beta user for Shudder! So here I have such a fun account to play with, and I can't even enjoy it.  I'd smash this stupid thing against a wall, but then I'd be well and truly fucked.

Slow down there cowboy, not that kind of fucked.


It's literally 5 days later.  I had to give up because of the aforementioned mouse issues.  The Fixer done fixed it by sending me a wireless mouse.  So I'm still slogging through videos, and writing this silly nonsense.  

I have no idea what I was writing before.  I don't recall what-so-ever what I wanted to tell you about.  Oh!  Hey, so I went ahead and ordered Nerd Block's Vinylpalooza block.  If you don't know by now, Nerd Block is a subscription box for which you pay a set amount of money every month.  Then you get an amazing box of mysterious goodies.  Easy peasy.  I am usually subscribed to Horror Block, but due to some financial difficulties from moving, I have had to cancel my subscription for a little while.  I went ahead and sprung for the Vinylpalooza block because it's a one-off deal, containing 4 vinyl figures featured in previous blocks.  No guarantees that any of them will be horror themed, or even that they'll be Funko POP!s (which are easily my favorite).  I figured that I'll either be super delighted with whatever I find in the box, or I will be super disappointed.  Or perhaps there will be a 50/50 split. 

In any event I am going to try to remember to do an unboxing video.  I don't do a lot of videos, I don't really have a YouTube presence.  A lot of this has to do with the fact that I despise being photographed or filmed, but The Fixer is still in California (along with the iPad), sooooo...I will be appearing in this video.  If I make it.  I make no promises, except that I coughed on your sandwich.  I absolutely did that.

I also come to your house at night, during Christmas, and lick your candy canes.

I think I had something more to write, but it's been 5 days and I've slept - and drank - since then.  I think, in the future, I'll try to steer back toward some parenting stuff.  Mostly I'll just be compiling evidence that I'm a terrible mother, but it's still kind of funny.  In the mean time, if you want to look at stupid pictures of contests I've entered and toys and other absolute bullshit I've come across, follow along on Instagram!  Join me while I stalk dudes with man-buns.


Saturday, June 20, 2015

Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do

I've got a little Facebook icon, floating around somewhere, that leads to pretty much nothing.  Well, now it leads to definitely nothing because I quite the Place of Face.

I guess maybe a week ago I got on Facebook to fucker around and I realized that a family friend, who'd been close to my sisters, had had a baby without my even noticing.  I usually check my account on my smartphone, so most of the content I'm exposed to is payed content - minus things I'd had on notifications.  Then there was some minor kerfuffle in a group I was a member of, and everyone lost their shit and didn't seem able to recover, so I quietly walked away. 

I'd been pretty disconnected from most of the people in my life for a while now, for various reasons.  I've always had a habit of floating in and out of the fray of life.  But around a week ago I realized that the disconnect was much deeper than, say, a bout of depression that takes me out of the game.  Or not keeping in touch as much as I once did after moving. After I saw that I missed the birth of a friend's third child, I made it a point to check in on my friends.  I know that our FB profiles are inaccurate snap shots of our lives, like the one acceptable selfie after taking one hundred bathroom mirror photos; it's carefully angled and filtered to present an image that isn't 100% real, but in it's own strange way it is 100% honest.  The internet has afforded us our own platforms for espousing our ideologies and values on a relatively captive audience.  After all, we're friends, so we'll all spew out things we'd never say to someone's face, and you'll hit "like". Because we're friends. 

I congratulated my friend, and said how lucky I thought she was to have three beautiful children who she loved and who loved her in return.  I'll only ever have Stinkbug, even though I'd always thought I'd have more.  I'm happy for her, and a little envious that she'll get to kiss baby toes for another year, and hear "mama" for the first time again.  If I'd known that these sentiments would set off a diatribe about how hard her life is and how I'll never understand or be as strong as she is, I'd have just moved on with my life as if I'd never found out about the baby.

I moved on down the friends list.  Another rant about deadbeats on welfare who are leeching off the system and living off our tax dollars...from someone I know for a fact receives food stamps.  Really?  I see a lot of those types of rants on my newsfeed, and - to paraphrase - I'll defend your right to your opinions, no matter how disparate they are from my own.  But the fact that easily 90% the people putting these recycled right-wing fundamentalist memes out there are on, or have been on, some kind of assistance, completely boggles my mind.

I feel like that last sentence is grammatically wrong somehow.  I'm sick, so I get a pass.

Caitlyn Jenner was why I eventually just hit the "deactivate" button. 

I have an aunt who is MtF.  We're not crazy-super-close.  I'm not "crazy-super-close" to anyone.  But she's a bitchin' burrito smothered in awesome sauce.  She's a Republican, which is a total mind-fuck, but she's articulate and I can understand her rationale - even if I disagree.  I'd throw a pie for that lady, not because she's my aunt, or because of equal rights, or anything else other than she's cool beans and a human being.  And she has nothing to do with my leaving Facebook. 

I have a friend.  We're not crazy-super-close.  I'm not "crazy-super-close" to anyone.  But she's another bitchin' burrito smothered in awesome sauce, and she is often wounded by how shitty the world is.  She's beautiful, and I sort of want to steal her hair.  She's in love with a fictional character, because real people are shitty.  She is MtF, she is very young, and she is very vulnerable.  We have mutual friends, at least one of whom felt the need to weigh in on Caitlyn Jenner.  Post after post about how we shouldn't call "it" Caitlyn.  About perversion, about sin, about going against god.  "Friends" who know how she struggles, can call Caitlyn a "freak" or a "monster," and still smile into her face. 

I'll defend anyone's right to their opinion, even if I disagree with my entire soul.  But you can't say, I dunno,

"Women with brown eyes are genetically predisposed to murdering babies."

and still want to be friends with my brown-eyed self.  You know?  I feel like we're in "I'm-not-racist-because-I-have-one-black-friend-at-work" territory at that point.

I could unfriend a bunch of people, easy peasy.  Buuuuut...that'd be like 80% of my 60+ friends.  I'm sick, so don't ask me to math.  Let's just say it wouldn't be worth keeping a Facebook.  It's not worth it, to find out that people I care about are horrible, so I called the whole thing a wash, and deactivated.  I still IG, because cats and Funko.  I'm a lame ass.  Some of my real-life friends follow my account, and vice versa.  We don't interact much, except to like each others' pictures.  I like people much better at a little more than arm's length.

Completely unrelated P.S.:  THIS WHOLE WEEK OF STEVEN UNIVERSE GUYS!  ZOMG!!!!!!