Friday, November 7, 2014

The One Where I Wax Poetic About Baby Food...Sorry.

I'm kind of confused.  Baby food is a bajillion dollar industry, but people hate admitting to feeding the stuff to their kids.  Everyone seems desperate to convince us that they slave away, preparing gourmet, organic, all natural, fresh from their own garden meals that they then chuck into the Baby Bullet or food mill.

I feel like that cup with the handles would be ideal for hanging onto a margarita for dear life.

There's nothing wrong with the people who actually do that, but do we all have to get on our interwebz soapboxes and lie?  I mean, seriously.  I feed my kid real food, sometimes, but I feed him Gerber too.  Ok, not Gerber so much, only because Stinkbug is outraged when I try to feed him regular fruits and veggies.  He's a fucking snob.  I suspect he keeps grabbing my glasses, not to chew on, but to wear and tell people he liked things before they were cool.

Goddamn it baby!  Mommy needs those to see!

He only wants the organic pouch stuff, probably because in his diapered Stinkbug soul he knows that shit costs twice as much as the regular Gerbers in the tubs.  And he only wants Plum Organics.  Specifically he wants the fancy, Second Blends World Baby stuff.

I was going to put another hipster baby picture here, but then I ran across the baby with what basically equates a Hitler haircut and I just had to stop.  What was I talking about?

Hey!  Did you know that organic baby junk actually kind of tastes good?  You hit a point where you're up to your elbows in baby food because no one knows how you even  manage to feed yourself, let alone another human being, and the burp cloth is so caked and filthy--as is your t shirt--and in a moment of desperation you lick the banana-zucchini-amaranth glob off your knuckle, and you don't die. 

Now, if only they could cram this into a pouch.

I've been around babies, off and on, pretty much my entire life.  Mom had a few friends that would occasionally crank out a kid or two, or their kids were having kids, or their kid sisters were having kids.  Whatever.  Like many curious kids, I wanted to know what that green gunk they were eating tasted like.  Yeah.  In 1987 or 1988 baby food companies weren't doing children any favors.  Weirdly, around 1990, I developed a taste for the fruit dessert varieties.  I'd beg and plead with my mom to pick up a couple of jars of tutti fruity or custard.

Wait.  We can give them custard?  'Cause, I've got a flat of Snack Pack pudding just taking up space...
 But seriously, those veggie and (shudder) meat jars?

Think happy thoughts.

Baby food has gotten good!  Okay, not the meat ones, still, but that Plum stuff?  It's good!  I could see myself trying to work out a grown-up version of that lentils, apricot, and squash stuff.  I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that they made a product that makes babies want to eat lentils and kale and stuff!

Don't give me that look Pittsburgh-PBS!

 I really want him to like Earth's Best and Ella's Kitchen too, because I'm a slave to packaging and manipulative marketing, but he only like's Plum.  I just gave him some blackberry-purple carrot-greek yogurt-quinoa stuff that is technically intended for toddlers, but seriously, there is nothing different about what is in that pouch and one of the baby food ones.  I'm all like, what the hell?!  My breakfasts aren't that nice.  Alright, my breakfasts are non-existent.  Six cups of coffee doesn't "count" as breakfast.

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