Jeeze Dude

Hey. It's been a minute. Several in fact, so where to start? Well, there's been life and junk in the slightly-more-than-a-year that has gone on. My mom is currently undergoing chemotherapy for colon cancer. Her prognosis is good, so it's more like just maintaining some normalcy while she walks around with toxic junk constantly being pumped into her via a travel pump. It's weird to say, but NBD. Stinkbug is officially diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum, which is another one of those weirdly NBD things. We just live our lives; he lost his first tooth, he's starting kindergarten this fall, he sees specialists here and there. I've drastically scaled back on the sub boxes I'm purchasing, and honestly I haven't gotten a ton worth getting super bloggy about in the time I've been away. I recently started getting the Parcel Of Terror from Cryptocurium, which is pretty rad, but then I had to promptly unsubscribe because I had to choose between that or air conditioning this summer. I don't like being hot. But I also signed up for The Order of The Thinned Veil, and as far as purchase decisions go--I'm pretty stoked. I can't really put into words adequately how into it I am.

It's Time

I'm still around, doing the things and such.  I'm hoping that posting this will nudge me into doing so more often.  

Things to (hopefully) look forward to:

• The next two installments of The OTV
• A podcast!  In collusion with Joss Hoskie; two socially awkward people who hate public speaking are going to do the public-est of speaking.  So now it's public knowledge and that might actually put a fire under our asses.
• Uhhh...More personal junk than usual?  I don't actually know.  I'm great at lists but bad at planning, which is weird and counter-intuitive.

Here's an old picture of my kid.

All Them Witches

It's been a hot minute, hasn't it?  Between life making me its bitch and...no, that's pretty much it.  I've still been receiving various boxes, but I've downsized how many by a substantial degree. 

But I can't seem to give up on Witch Baby Soaps' Quarterly Spell Box.  The past few boxes have been sans body butters in favor of sugar scrubs, and I'm surprisingly all about it.  I LOVE their body butters, but I have so many.  I have to seal them in airtight bags and stash them in the freezer to make room for them.  I've got an addiction and getting them included in the boxes was not helping.

On the other hand, I used to think I hated sugar scrubs.  They were greasy, they were oily, and I felt filthy after using them.  That was 15 years ago though.  And the scrubs I'd tried were mass produced for major retail.  Christ only knows what was in them.  I was a little leery when they started making more regular appearances in the quarterly boxes, but they smelled so good and I couldn't help but to give them a shot.  I was not sorry.

I don't have a lot to say on the body products that came in this box because the bath bombs are meant to be used on the full moon of each month of summer and I have a general policy of not opening a sugar scrub until the one before is used up.  But I can attest to the Holy Smokes Body Oil, a type of product I've been hesitant to try because...oil.  Body oil is not at all like I expected, absorbing quickly and leaving my skin smooth and soft.  And this one smells amazing!  I regret gifting others I'd received in the past to friends.  Not really, I like giving gifts.

Jar full of nada.

Included in this box as an empty jar with a fill-in-the-blank label for gathering water from natural resources.  The intention is to use it with the accompanying water colours to incorporate art into rituals.  I don't know if that's what these items will actually be used for, it's pretty doubtful, but I do have a fetish for jars.

 The art theme is continued with an enamel pin depicting the Ace of Wands, grasping a paint brush instead of the traditional wand or staff. 

Tsum Tsum included for scale.

 Finally, there were two MASSIVE stones included in this box.  Unfortunately they are carnelian and citrine, which is difficult to distinguish between when you're not very well versed in gem identification.  But just look at them! 



A few days before the Witch Baby box arrived I'd received June's Occult Box.  

I've gotten three (?) of these boxes so far, and every one has been amazing.  I really wish I'd had a chance to write about the Voodoo box, because holy crap.  This month's theme was the Triple Goddess, and while I don't adhere in any strict manner to the modern usage of this imagery, I still love it and enjoy seeing it in art, jewelry, and textiles.  I helped deliver my niece wearing a Triple Goddess t-shirt, along with our sister - three sisters with our mother at my laboring sister's back.  Three has always been a thing in our family.

This box could be considered "light" in comparison to the others, only if you consider quantity to be more important than quality.  And the quality is definitely why I keep getting this box.

The Hecate body oil is in a spray bottle, which I super appreciate for ease of application.  Fun story, I used to have a cat named Hecate, while my sister had her sister Isis.  This was many many years ago, and both have passed, but Hecate and the darker side magic has always been an influential part of my life.  This oil smells...I don't actually have a good description.  It's perfect.  It's a scent I'm constantly seeking when I purchase things like roller-oil perfumes.

This is the second palo santo smudge stick I've ever owned.  If I'm being honest, I have yet to try out the first one. Maybe if I took some time to do some cleansing and self-care my life wouldn't be a constant train wreck?  LOL, nah, just kidding.  This ain't no dumpster fire, but a full on tire fire that will never go out.

There's also this beautiful tinned candle that I don't want to ever light.  It's just too pretty!

The sugar scrub had a little mishap during shipping, which isn't terribly surprising because the heat has been causing a lot of oil based items to expand or something.  I'd recently purchased a tea tree oil hair serum that was leaky, despite the safety seal still being intact.  The same goes for the sugar scrub, but at least I got a sneak peak of the scent.  Not only does it smell great, but the product is no worse for wear.

Holy.  Freaking.  Balls.  I'm not 100% sure, but the dish appears to be made of carved horn, but even if it were just really realistic plastic it wouldn't be any less beautiful.  Like, I've never in my life owned an alter item that was so pretty.  Also included were three varieties of moonstone:  black, rainbow, and "regular" I guess.  Only, I think, what I think might have been identified as "black" is actually goldstone, which is technically a type of man-made glass.  It's one of the few man-made stones that are used as any naturally occurring crystal would be.  The darker moonstone is the black, while the white one, upon very careful inspection, is a non-jewelry quality rainbow.  I may not know my citrines from my carnelians, but I know moonstones. 

Before there are any misunderstandings that I may be disappointed at the inclusion of the goldstone, let me just say that I'm not at all!  I actually just purchased two less than a week ago.  If there is anything to regret, it's that I wish I had somehow got my hands on a copper goldstone. 

Not pictured is the Demeter bath soak, which contained lavender and some other stuff that I've forgotten.  It's not pictured because I used it yesterday morning, around 5 am.  I've been known to wake up in the middle of the night for baths as early (or late, I guess) as 1 or 2 am.  I needed a soak, and god damn it, I had one. 



I'm still waiting on the second installment of Loot Crate's Mission Crate.  Not only is this crate late, but emails about the third crate are already being sent out, warning that it too will be substantially late.  I've never seen Loot Crate struggle with a theme or crate quite so much, and while part of me can't help but believe it's due to lack of love for us poor, maligned Trekkies, another part is distressed that this may be the weird mole that is just the beginning of the cancer and death of Loot Crate.  I don't subscribe to any of the other crates (I'd gotten on Wizarding World crate, which was pretty sweet), so I don't know if any of the other themes have been suffering as well.  If anyone feels like leaving a comment I'd love to hear what's up. Unfortunately this means that I will probably discontinue my Mission Crates after the second crate has been shipped.

I've also made the decision to discontinue my patronage of one indy seller's box.  While the boxes themselves are pretty decent, there have been too many bumps in their service to continue purchasing from them.  I'm not naming names, because I genuinely think that this shop will be able to pull through and become as strong a contender in the sub-box game as Creeper Crate or Magick & Macabre, but I'm going to take a very extended break from this company while still watching to see where they go.  The fact of the matter is that the handmade and indy craft industries have suddenly exploded, and horror and occult themed shops have been seeing some of the most growth.  It's suddenly not only alright, but encouraged, to be the weird kid and a lot of people are jumping at the chance to turn their hobbies and interests into viable sources of income.  There's literally no way for all of them to survive, but those who manage to ride the wave are the ones that will continue to put out quality products, and I want to throw my money at those guys.  I'm not adverse to throwing my money at this shop as well, but I want to see how they grow first. 

Space, The Final Frontier

After several months of delay, it FINALLY arrived!  My Loot Crate Mission Crate!  I actually avoided opening it for several hours for fear that I would find that its contents weren't worth the wait after all.  I want to say that it was, and I want to say that it wasn't, but only because I hate waiting and I'm still feeling butthurt about it.  Trust me, it was so worth it.

Right on top was an amazing t-shirt.  I don't have a lot of Star Trek shirts, mostly because I don't always like how characters are rendered on them and also because your choices are usually limited to uniform style shirts otherwise.  I'm pretty stoked to have a shirt with this schematic-like artwork on it.  Would that it were more like the Tie Fighter or Millennium Falcon shirts available at Target, but I've long learned to accept that the Star Wars franchise is always going to get more fan service love than Star Trek.  Still, all the same, it's a pretty sweet shirt, which I'm wearing as I type this.

What the what?

Oh yes...

SWEET BABY JESUS!

Locutus of the Borg
This was one of the items that delayed the crate for so long, and you know what?  I forgive you Jean Luc!  This was a traumatic time in your life, and you need time to heal.

Just look at that thing!  That thing is legit!  I should warn you now that the rest of this post will be me squealing in a pitch only dogs can hear.

Stuff!
Slid along the side of the box were a car decal sticker of the Borg Cube and a free starter pack for Star Trek Online.  I seem to recall having briefly playing Star Trek online at some point, but maybe I hallucinated that?  More likely I've played a crappy Star Trek game because no one loves us Trekkies enough to make more than one or two quality games for us.  This game might be garbage too, but by god!  I'll sign up!

Beam me up!

There isn't usually a lot to say about replica communicators, it's a badge on a pin back or safety pin style back.  But not this, oh no!  This thing has some heft to it!  It's back is magnetic, which makes for a little cleaner cosplay if that's your thing.  I don't cosplay, I can't put this on my pin board, and I don't trust magnets on my satchel, so it'll likely end up either on my Star Trek shelf in its package or on my work board over my desk - as soon as I get my desk up here, and set up my work board. 

Okay...?

:-0

Oh my god!

Holy freaking crap guys!

I just...I just can't right now.  I just freaking can't.  It's fucking beautiful.  I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be reviewing this thing but I have to go for a while to weep tears of joy.

*******

In non-Star Trek-related news, I got my Creeper Crate box, which was themed "McNeal."  As in Reagan McNeal.  From The Exorcist.  It was a great box, but also a very unsettling one because The Exorcist is one of the only films to ever really scare me.  So I'm not reviewing it, but I assure you that everything in it was high quality nightmare fuel.  I also received my Witch Baby Soap Spell Box.  I don't even need to say how good it was.  It was good.  So good.  I also got my Magick & Macabre Wicked Witch Box.  I've been sick and I get backed up on things I mean to do, so I didn't review that one either.  But, again, so so so good!

In other news, I've recently signed up with Influenster and have received my first Vox Box!  After I've tested the product I'll do a blurb here.  I'm still figuring Influenster out, with it being a little like a social media sight, a bit like a consumer survey sight, and being something altogether its own.  But it's free to join, and if they're willing to send me stuff then I'm pretty sure almost anyone can jump on board.  Obviously the item I'll review won't have been paid for by me, but my post also won't be a sponsored post because I'm not being paid.  So if you're weird enough to read this on the regular, you've got something to look forward to.

Nightshade's Cellar's Super Deluxe Addams Family Box

I should start this off by stating that I couldn't form many solid opinions on most of the things in this box because I'm dying of the plague or something and can't smell anything. 

That's not true, I can smell when my son farts.  Delightful.


I was amped to check this sub box out, especially this particular box due to the theme, but I knew I wouldn't be able to drum up the money for the Super Deluxe box in one go.  Luckily they had a "layaway" program.  For those who don't know, Nightshade's Cellar's boxes can come in several tiers: mini, standard, deluxe or super deluxe, and "massive."  Prices vary depending on the box itself and the size chosen, and size options aren't available for all boxes.  After viewing the options for the Addams box, and looking on their website this morning, I can pretty confidently say that it's worth spending the extra bucks for the bigger packages where it's an option.  But with all good things, there was a snag.

I'm not 100% sure if this box was their first foray into "layaway" or payment plans, but streamlined isn't a word I'd use to describe the process.  Even under the best of circumstances, private messages aren't a very stable way of processing this type of order - especially if there are several customers who want to use this service.  I don't know how many people decided to jump on this opportunity, but I do know that the owner of Nightshade's Cellar was sick.  I don't know what kind of sick, but if it's anything like what's been ripping through my house then I'm going to go with "real fuckin' sick."

I stolded this.

Then you add on the fact that I never know what day it is, ever.  Anyways, because there was no official order filled out, there was no email notifications or traditional tracking.  It's a great idea, but it's still a baby idea that needs to grow into a functional option that's easy for both the customer and the retailer to use.  Because if more than a handful of people decide to go with layaway it's going to turn into a mess.  Which would suck, because I was pleasantly surprised at how much I liked this box.

Like I said, I don't have a lot of things to add other than pictures because I can't smell, and what I can smell is triggering my asthma like you wouldn't believe.  Luckily coffee mugs don't traditionally have scents of their own.  If I have one complaint it's that I have to be careful washing it.  The decal is similar to ones on those 4-packs of beer glasses you can get at Target that have a theme like DC heroes or National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.  Decal+super hot water=sadness.  And I use excessively hot water, because I like to punish my dishes for being dirty.

The coffee mug is a nice companion to Burial Grounds Coffee Co.'s Cara Mia blend.  I'd been kind of internet stalking this company for a while, but I'm always hesitant to pull the trigger on purchasing new consumables.  This was an excellent opportunity to try out their product without worrying about buyer's remorse. 

First of all, I typically only buy Cafe Bustelo.  It only comes in one roast, espresso, and it's a knock-you-on-your-ass flavor.  I had forgotten what a medium roast looked and tasted like.  In the wee hours of the morning, it took me a moment to realize that my coffee wasn't defective and it was supposed to be that colour. 

For anyone who doesn't swill coffee like water, and slowly die of dehydration in the process, companies typically use a medium roast so that the added flavors aren't over-powered.  Just in case I hadn't mentioned it, I'm very sick.  I can't smell anything.  And because I can't smell anything, I really can't taste anything.  I'm not entirely sure what this tastes like.  So I'm saving the rest of the bag on the off-hand chance that I don't die in the near future. 

Look at that guy.  He's adorable!  He's meant to be a Cousin It Bath Bomb, but he looks like a Minion.  In this particular instance I'm not going to split hairs (PUNS!) because:

1) It's very difficult to translate a sentient mound of hair into a bath fizzy
2) No one wants a poop-brown bath bomb
3) What would that even smell like?

No, seriously, what does it smell like?  I can't smell, and I don't dare use it for fear that my asthma will decide to rear it's ugly head and ruin my bathy bath.  Basically I can't enjoy anything when I'm sick.  Which brings me to...

Family Macabre wax melts from Rebel Potions.  I can sort of smell this.  I will wait until I am completely over this garbage that has taken up residence in my lungs before actually using it, because I'm pretty sure it would kill me otherwise.

I've gotten products from this company before, so I'm fairly certain I'll like it, but right now I'm incapable of joy.  I can't taste my coffee.  I can't take a bath.  I can't burn or melt my stinky stuff. 

If ever there was a product named for my very soul.  While I can't smell it very well, I can still use it and it's actually pretty great.  I Hate Everyone lip scrub is from Sudsy Sirens, another company I've gotten stuff from and not been disappointed.  I like to think that while it's technically a sugar scrub, it's actually preparing my mouth to spit more poison at people I hate.  And people I love.  And people I have no firm opinions on.  Because everyone sucks.

I tried to find a meme to express that I torture those I care about for fun, but all I could find was a bunch of emo bullshit.

Another great item from Sudsy Sirens, this Gomez body butter smells like a good humidor.  It smells like leather chairs and smoking jackets and cigars with large glasses of brandy.  I CAN SMELL THIS ONE!!!

The butter itself is much firmer than it appeared; I was expecting something on par with homemade whipped cream.  It looks so light and fluffy and I want to eat it, but that would be incredibly stupid and the lung rot hasn't worked its way up to my brain yet.

Goddamn, I want to eat it.

Morticia Setting Spray from OMFG Cosmetics.  I literally had no idea what this was.  I had to go online to find out what setting spray was because I don't wear makeup.  Now that I know what it is, holy shit!  There's stuff that does that?!?!  I had no idea.  This is a new and novel idea for me.  I still don't want to wear makeup, but now I know about the latest advances in witchcraft should I ever choose to do so.  In the mean time, I have friends that wear makeup.  And my friends have similar interests to mine, so someone is going to be super happy.

It's teeny tiny soap!  Thing hand soap from Nightshade's Cellar is like a little high five every time you wash your hands.  I have no idea what it smells like.  Because my face has fallen off. 

Family Values soap from Pretties For Your Face.  It says scrubby, which makes me think it's an exfoliating soap.  Further inspection of their website confirms this assumption.  I'm actually in the middle of another bar of soap, so by the time I'm ready to crack this open I'll either have recovered or my body will have been eaten by my cats because that's the circle of life.

It's a little voodoo doll toy thingy!  I'm not sure if this is meant to be a specific character or just a little spoopy guy in general.  I have a couple of similar dolls hanging in my car, where he or she will be joining them shortly.  This new friend came courtesy of Synyster Kreations Co.

This box came with a handy card identifying the products and who made them, which I really appreciate because it suuuuuucks trying to decipher labels and hunt down websites when you're about to expire.  The card stated that there would be a Wednesday bath bomb as well, but after reaching out to the company I've learned that this was a typo.  This makes sense since there was only supposed to be ten items in this box and the extra bath bomb would have made eleven.  Am I a little bummed? Sure.  Does it effect my opinion of this box or company?  Nope.  I've scrolled through their Instagram and seen their past boxes, and their upcoming Beetlejuice box, and I'm really impressed by the quality of their curated themes.  Will I buy more?  Absolutely.  Probably not Beetlejuice, because I'm broke at the moment, but I'll be following them to keep up to date on new themes. 

In completely unrelated news, I am still waiting on Loot Crate's Mission Crate.  I've received an email stating that the shipping date has been pushed back another month.  I really don't know what's happening with this because it's completely out of character for Loot Crate.  I will continue to wait, and this crate had better blow my mind because this is ridiculous.  I will literally cry if it sucks.

Spiritualism and Magick & Macabre

I legit thought I was going to miss out on this month's Wicked Witch sub box because by the time I had a little money in the bank they were completely sold out.  But then more boxes were added!  And I missed out on those too.  But then!  But THEN!  A few more boxes were added again!  And this time I got a box, and just in time.  Because I literally got my order in the week they were being shipped out.

Talk about waiting until the last minute.  I like to fly by the seat of my pants.

Paranormal Tea Party
After how good the last wax melts I'd gotten from Magick & Macabre, I was super excited to see more in this month's box.  And I was not disappointed.  The scent profile is very different; where the Belfana melts smelled like a warm and cozy dessert treat, Tea Party is very floral and a little...spicy?  Zesty, perhaps?  I dunno.  My only concern is that florals and I don't always mix, and I'm a little scared that this might trigger my asthma.  On the other hand, Belfana was such a light, delicate scent and this may follow suit.  So far Magick & Macabre hasn't felt the need to hit me over the head with their scents, making for very pleasant additions to my evening relaxation routine.  Nothing I've gotten from this company would overpower, say, the smell of my cooking (so much garlic, so much chili) but they're very nice when they're not having to compete with other scents.

Bay Laurel
Bay leaves are a common herb used for divination and fortune telling.  I've never used it because I never think to.  I have a crap ton of Bay leaves in my kitchen, which typically end up in my pollo or pavo for sandwiches.  For someone who relies on kitchen supplies for their practical magic, I sure do just end up eating most of my ingredients.  By the way, if you don't know, don't just eat Bay leaves.  You will be very sad.

Included with this little bag of Bay is what I imagine is some folk magic to divine the identity of you soulmate.  I'm tempted to give it a try, but I'm concerned that I'd only receive bad news. Like I don't have a soulmate, or they're just incredibly crappy.  Or one of my exes. 

I ran into one of my exes the other day.  He pretended to not see me, and I did the same. I'm sure he was hoping I wouldn't recognize him but I'd recognize that misshapen head anywhere regardless of how much he looks like a heroin addict now-a-days.  I'd really hate to find out that he's my soulmate.

Wormwood
Wormwood has a bad rap because of its association with absinthe.  Absinthe had the reputation of being mildly hallucinogenic, but would later be found to be the cause of several deaths.  It was assumed that its traditional ingredients were to blame, and was in turn banned in the U. S.  It has come to light in recent years that, more than likely, ingredients like wormwood weren't the cause at all, but instead the lead in absinthe bottles, as well as some extras added to intoxicate and inebriate the drinker faster.  

What am I going to do with a bag full of wormwood?  No idea.  I'm open to suggestions.

Incense Cones
The only fly in the ointment is this.  Because of allergies and asthma I can't use incense of any type.  I wasn't always like this.  I can only assume that overexposure from years of burning incense while getting stoned out of my gourd is to blame.  There is no "may" to it, I'm definitely giving this away.  Possibly on Instagram.  No contests, just whoever raises their hand, so to speak, first.

Cat not included.

Divination Kit
This is easily one of the coolest things I've gotten in a box, right along with that sweet ass spoon I got in November.  The box is a standard wood box, like one that you would buy at an art supply store, that had been stained and has the image of a Tarot card Mod Podged over top.  In the box was a miniature deck of standard playing cards, some mugwort (I think.  I honestly don't remember exactly, and I don't feel like finding the paper.), and a piece of quartz with amethyst.  Also included, but not shown in this picture, were directions for reading standard cards for divination.  This is a fun skill to have, and not many people know how.  I used to be able to, though not in the fashion shown in the directions, and I'm pretty stoked to give this a try.

Cat still not included.

Cameo Necklace
Not technically magical, but how excited was I when I saw it?!  I have a long standing love of cameos, and this one is very pretty.  I had to take it off to take a picture of it because I literally shoved the box aside upon its discovery to ooh and ahh over it, then put it on and show everyone.  And by everyone I mean my mom.  She's super jelly.

Not Pictured
Not pictured is a cute ghost shaped soap that came in this box.  Why haven't I got a picture of it?  Because my mom stole it.  By "accident."  I've already called her to tell her I'm getting my soap back.  My soap.  Mine.

Krampusnacht

I received my Krampus Box from Creeper Crate yesterday and I couldn't wait to write this.  This month's crate seemed a little light at first, but upon further inspection I saw that the items in here were few but very impressive.  While I'd gotten spoiled by the pins from Demonic Pinfestation being a regular part of these boxes, I found that this month didn't suffer from their absence.  Had there been a pin I wouldn't be able to write this because I'd need to be pealed off of the floor.

(Which reminds me, I need to grab a Love Witch bundle while they're still available.)

"Dear Disobedient Creep..."

Like a holiday greeting from Hell, this fun card was the first thing in the box.  It's got some great artwork, either directly from or inspired by the film Krampus.  I don't really have anything pithy to say about it.  It pretty well speaks for itself.

 Merry Krampus Shower Steamers from Glitter Gore Bath
 
These shower steamers smell AMAZING.  I drank a fair amount of whiskey last night, so when I woke up and finally got around to getting into the shower I'd forgotten all about them.  I've never regretted anything more in my life, today.  These will happen tomorrow morning.  Assuming the eggnog doesn't kick my ass tonight.  It's taken me 20 minutes just to manage to type this segment.

Krampistachio Tea from Brutaliteas

I haven't tried this yet, but I like pistachios. I like tea.  If I can add milk to it it'll be perfect.

 Krampus's Bell
This replica bell from the film is freaking awesome.  Right away I decided it needed to be on our Christmas tree.  I don't normally like having a tree but I do it for the sake of my four year old.  If I've got to bow to societal pressure to adhere to holiday customs then at least I can have a reminder of the darker traditions.  Luckily I have a million pounds of red yarn to turn whatever catches my fancy into ornaments.

Krampus can not be bribed.

I don't know if special plates just for cookies for Santa existed when I was a kid, but the tradition is old at least.  But if you're a miserable curmudgeon who probably deserves to be thrown into a bag and beaten with a stick, perhaps you can dampen the dark fury of the Krampus with some cookies and milk.  Probably not.  You'll probably just piss him off. 

I never thought I'd be the type of person who has decorative plates on little easels, but here I am.  It's a crazy world I tell you!

I'm missing out on January's Overlook Hotel Crate next month due to excess poverty, and the hope that there will be leftover Yule boxes from Magick & Macabre.  I should be back on track for March, and with luck I'll be able to grab February's Occult Box from Creeper Crate as well.  The Occult Box is a separate subscription from the usual Creeper Crate, with themes that are more...well, occult.  Less horror pop-culture, more supernatural and witchy.  I'm missing out on their Ouija theme for January, but hope to be on board from their "Live Deliciously" box. 

This post was in no way brought to you by The Wicked Library, but you should subscribe to them anyway.  The latest installment includes a traditional tale of Christmas terror brought to one deserving soul by Krampus himself, not to mention a great little story about some of those lesser known (in the U. S.) Christmas characters, such as the Jólakötturinn and the Yule Lads.

Feliz Navidad, bitches.

Star Trek Mission Crate

Okay, let's start with...

Star Trek Mission Crate Order Confirmed

Qapla’!

You have successfully ordered the Star Trek Mission Crate! Tracking emails for the crate will go out when it ships at the end of November 2017. Your crates will be beamed to you between the 1st and 10th of December.

Reminder: as this is a bi-monthly, recurring subscription, it will automatically renew unless you cancel or the Borg finally assimilate Earth (see below for more details). 

 I found my crate today when I got home for work.  Or did I?  Confusion from the word go.

Uhhhhhh....

Right off the bat this wasn't what I was expecting.  I chalked it up to printing issues or something and went ahead and cracked this guy open.  I would continue to be confused and...mostly confused.  Yeah.

I know it's hard to tell but that pin was a Loot Crate exclusive from last year's "Futuristic" campaign.  I didn't get that particular crate but I do have that pin, which I picked up on eBay.  The socks were also a throwback, but at least I didn't already own them.  I like socks.  Ok, I'm down with the socks.

What you probably can't see in this picture is the sweat inside of the packaging.  That would be the fragrance condensation because this air freshener is TWO YEARS OLD!!!!  I mean, I'm still going to put it in my car, assuming it hasn't become weird or toxic, but what is going on guys?!?

Alright, this was actually kind of neat, but it's from last year again.  At this point this box was beginning to feel like one of the last Horror Blocks from earlier this summer.  Just a box of stuff that was thrown together at the last minute.  At least it was all indeed Star Trek themed, but by now I was becoming alarmed.

This was the only item that was from this year, though I don't know if it was from yet another previous crate.  Needless to say I was incredibly confused because I was expecting this:

NONE OF THIS HAPPENED!!! This crate was due between December 1 and December 10, and today on December 15 I am over here like:

So I did what I did best and basically stalked Loot Crate and this particular crate and found out that this isn't the Mission Crate at all!!!  If there had been an update or email, I either hadn't received it or simply don't remember.  It's just as likely that I'd forget something like this, but somehow I think I would remember the things keeping me away from my sweet sweet Jean Luc.  So I went looking for answers.

 So here I sit, still waiting.  Exhausted from a roller coaster ride of emotions.  I'm still confused, but I'm back to my default level of confusion.  I have two LLAP pins.  I'm considering giving it to my fiance but if we're being real here, it's not like I don't not need two pins. I don't even know if that's grammatically correct.  I've been drinking eggnog with sherry and Rumchata.  What I'm trying to say is that I have one for display and one to put on my Federation uniform messenger bag.  Like the sexy bitch that I am.  

Sorry there's no links.  It's nothing short of miraculous that I got the pictures uploaded.  I'm not trying to find where my links are supposed to go, let alone make sure that I'm using the correct links to begin with.  There's Star Trek parody porn and I'm the kind of asshole who not only has it bookmarked but would accidentally link it in a review of a box full of actual innocent toys.  

Google it.  The Crate, not the porn.  Or Google the porn.  I'm not here to judge.  I'm certainly not in a position to do so.  

Live long and prosper.